Lord, Give Me Wisdom

I wish I'd had a girl. Two boys are lovely but I wish I'd had a girl. I have lots of things I want to pass on and I don't think that boys are the right recipients for, ''Celebrity' is NOT a job description.' Or, 'he's just not that into you' is a phrase you should hold dear. Or, 'relationships are like success and can only work with 90% perspiration, 10% inspiration.'

I never really wanted children in the first place, but once persuaded by my handsome Italian boyfriend that it would be a good idea, we started trying. I reckoned it would take ages, if at all, for me to get pregnant, due to some gynae probs when I was younger. It took that month for me to fall pregnant. So, it was a boy and I was OK, no worries, if I'm going to have children, I'll better make the next one a girl. Another boy. I am now getting long in the tooth to be searching for the illusive female progeny, and the way things are looking, it's more than likely it would be another boy. Statistically, it's an interesting one: There's always a 50/50 chance of boy or girl. But after two boys, there's more of a chance of having another boy. Even though there's still a 50/50 chance of boy/ girl. I am not a mathmetician, it's a conundrum I don't get.

So anyway, here we are with two boys and all this stuff I've been storing, subconsiously, for years waiting for a person to hand it over to. I do know that this mythical daughter would probably have far too many of her own ideas for her own good - she is my mythical daughter after all - but as long as she liked shoes and books, I think we could get along. I want to say that once you get older, you realise that all that glitters is not gold. That being famous is not a good thing to be - it just means that someone follows you everywhere you go and every mistake you make is set down in perpituity. Being stupendously rich is not generally as great as it's cracked up to be too - rich and famous is probably one of the most hazardous occupations there is. Unless you have a VERY good head on your shoulders and a great group of sensible people around you, generally you will go off the rails and do too much of something harmful.

I want to say that you should go out and travel, most importantly of all. This I can give to the boys. I didn't achieve all that work-wise, but I've seen lots of the world and I don't think I've ever been disappointed. I have a full album when I look back. Sometimes I daydream that I never left Lincoln, got married and had kids. The kids go to Scouts and we have a nice holiday every year somewhere. I maybe have a nice little job but am mainly there as mum and wife. It's a lovely little daydream and I find it really comforting. But it's not me. I wanted to leave home from the minute I realised that I could, not because I was running away from something, but because I wanted to see what else there was that I could run to. Regret the things you don't do, never the things you do do, because everything you do makes you what you are. Something else that occurs to me though on this theme is that you need to be good in your own skin - one thing you always always take with you when you travel is yourself. You can be in the most wonderous place in the world but you will only ever see it through your eyes and process it with your brain. You will never escape yourself so make sure you like who you are.

I have always loved those films and books where the lead character just comes out with these amazingly instructive aphorisms or stunningly pithy truisms, and would love to just throw a few out here now. However, I am English and therefore have been born with a fully developed sense of irony - I would make myself laugh, never mind any one else. I will be trying to covertly slip the odd bit of wisdom into my conversations with the boys as they are growing and hopefully they will take them on board, although as is the way of the world, they will no doubt either not listen or just dismiss me out of hand. From my own Mum, amongst other things, I have learnt empathy and from Dad, well, the deepest lesson of all is 'The Higher The Fewer'. Thanks, Dad. It means alot.