Not been on here for flipping ages... Not really had the time or inclination frankly, although I have one saved post I'm going to let loose once I've rambled on here for a while.
Well. I was going to say that I am slowly adjusting to life after the miscarriage 5 weeks ago but that isn't the case really. I don't ever think of myself as a particularly delicate flower. I am rather robust, rude in health and proud of my bluff Yorkshire roots. I don't tend to dwell too much on things and have only once in my life been so emotional to the extent that my appetite has been affected. So, I am not really sure what is going on here, whether my hormones are affecting me still or some deep psychological effect is taking place. All I know is, I think about not having a baby alot. I was pregnant and then I wasn't and now I have very little chance of being pregnant again and it is preoccupying many of my thoughts. The fact that DH has concluded that he doesn't want to try again, that he saw me suffering when the gynae pointed out the empty gestational sac patently devoid of the little beating heart we'd seen three weeks earlier and doesn't ever want to face going through that again... I don't know if that is making me feel so much worse or I'd feel the same, but I am fairly sure that some hope would be better than none.
I don't know if this is going to go away, I hope it will because I am worried that otherwise I will spend the rest of my life with a small but significant hole in it and a resentment for the other half that he wouldn't let me have my own way and at least try to fill it. Er... As it were...
Otherwise, we are generally back into the Summer Merry-go-round, trying to escape the heat of Rome and find somewhere with a nice breeze to keep the suffocating heat at bay. We had a lovely weekend with friends in Gaeta, a pretty town on the Latina coast. The beaches are fine and clean and the sea rolls gently out so far that the kids are able to play and run without dropping into deep water. We were with friends who are super-attentive though, helicopter parenting doesn't come into it. More hovercraft parenting, actually. Their level of anxiety is such that they rarely allowed themselves fun. The children were so constantly monitored that they also rarely got a chance just to play and not worry about the water on their heads, in their ears, the depth of the waves, the splashing... To be fair to them, their children (two) are more delicate than ours and suffer many more infections, colds etc. It does beg the question though, is a delicate constitution nature or nurture? I have not had a cold all year this year, in spite of being surrounded by flu's and colds, the boys have had a below average smattering of coughs and sneezes - I had to be half dead before I was taken out of school and I wonder if this attitude and way of caring for illness, and the way it has influenced my parenting, is a factor in our hale and hearty constitutions? If, by not stopping and molly-coddling (how old fashioned a term that is these days) and dosing and anti-biotic-ing and just getting on with it, we have strengthened our immune systems? Or maybe we are just plain lucky. Could very well just be the latter, I should be touching wood right now, I am sure.
*sigh*
I'm off to hang the towels out. Then I'm off to hoover the sand up that came off the towels. It's great getting back from holiday...
Wednesday 22 June 2011
The Best Laid Plans.
I am keeping this post private for the time being while I come to terms with our news and hopefully see things settle down a bit more. By things, I mean we are pregnant and I am 42 and E is 47 and we hadn't expected this to happen and oh MY GOD oh my God OH MY GOD!!!
It has arrived at exactly the right moment. Ha. If I had a font that signified 'dripping in sarcasm', I would be using that right there. After leaving work early when I was pregnant with Giorgio, 6 years ago, I haven't worked since - unless you are an enlightened being and recognise that bringing up two vivacious boys in close succession is in fact full time work sufficient to occupy a couple of people and then some - in which case, I have been fully employed but unpaid since then. However - all this was about to change. I have had so many offers/ demands/ cajolings since I got to Italy to teach English or do private lessons, but since I taught at the boys' nursery, I have avoided it like the plague. Even grown-ups, I hate teaching full stop and wasn't about to get drawn back into it, being uncharacteristically stubborn about it when asked. Then one day, a friend rang and said she was starting a travel and events company and would I come on board? It would be a brand new office in a lovely new hotel and sports complex just down the road and if I only wanted to do mornings so I could be there for the boys in the afternoon, that would be fine too.
So tomorrow I am going to Verona for a week with her on a training course knowing that, barring any mishaps, I ain't going to be working for another couple of years yet... I feel really bad for her, I so don't want to let her down.
Of course, we were also supposed to be moving into the new house in the Autumn. It is a new build in the country, three stories with much more room and garden than we have now. Effectively a blank canvas. I have been looking forward to moving for about a year and have been steadily decorating each room in my mind and getting more and more excited the closer it got to making my ideas reality. Like that's going to happen now... *sigh*
I have gone through broody moments over the past few years, when Edo started at nursery, when friends have announced pregnancies or babies born. Much of it was born out a need for a purpose, I think now, which the new job was set to provide. We didn't expect this at all - in fact, the last trip to the gynae, he told me I was looking at perimenopause so I got all anxious about hot flushes and hair loss. Wrong!
This blog is going to take rather a surprising turn so, bear with me as I struggle to give up the lovely predicatable happy future we had for another we just can't anticipate.
It has arrived at exactly the right moment. Ha. If I had a font that signified 'dripping in sarcasm', I would be using that right there. After leaving work early when I was pregnant with Giorgio, 6 years ago, I haven't worked since - unless you are an enlightened being and recognise that bringing up two vivacious boys in close succession is in fact full time work sufficient to occupy a couple of people and then some - in which case, I have been fully employed but unpaid since then. However - all this was about to change. I have had so many offers/ demands/ cajolings since I got to Italy to teach English or do private lessons, but since I taught at the boys' nursery, I have avoided it like the plague. Even grown-ups, I hate teaching full stop and wasn't about to get drawn back into it, being uncharacteristically stubborn about it when asked. Then one day, a friend rang and said she was starting a travel and events company and would I come on board? It would be a brand new office in a lovely new hotel and sports complex just down the road and if I only wanted to do mornings so I could be there for the boys in the afternoon, that would be fine too.
So tomorrow I am going to Verona for a week with her on a training course knowing that, barring any mishaps, I ain't going to be working for another couple of years yet... I feel really bad for her, I so don't want to let her down.
Of course, we were also supposed to be moving into the new house in the Autumn. It is a new build in the country, three stories with much more room and garden than we have now. Effectively a blank canvas. I have been looking forward to moving for about a year and have been steadily decorating each room in my mind and getting more and more excited the closer it got to making my ideas reality. Like that's going to happen now... *sigh*
I have gone through broody moments over the past few years, when Edo started at nursery, when friends have announced pregnancies or babies born. Much of it was born out a need for a purpose, I think now, which the new job was set to provide. We didn't expect this at all - in fact, the last trip to the gynae, he told me I was looking at perimenopause so I got all anxious about hot flushes and hair loss. Wrong!
This blog is going to take rather a surprising turn so, bear with me as I struggle to give up the lovely predicatable happy future we had for another we just can't anticipate.
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